let's waste time chasing cars, lex

[harry]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,325,true] With his freshly powered nose Graham sat in front of his place of employment drumming on his legs, his hands seemingly going a mile a minute. It probably looked strange but he still felt the urge to do it. Partially because he liked to drum and partially because he couldn’t sit still and it seemed like a good way to enjoyably pass time. a beer sat next to him as he watched people walk in and out of the night club. Lex had said that she’d come and visit him, but he knew her well enough to know she didn’t always show up when she said she would. Luckily for her Graham was usually too snowed to care. However, when he was more sober and clear headed he missed her company after all why would he be friends with someone he didn’t like being around? Lex was strange enough to keep his attention through pretty much anything, she was the intriguing sort. Though, Graham didn’t have the best tract record with women, they tended to be bad for his health. Lex seemed to be okay, even George liked her from what she’d seen except that she was flaky and George tended to dislike that sort. Understandably so, but Graham didn’t mind so much it made it all the more fun to see her, maybe not all people would look at it that way, but Graham was that type of person. Accepting people’s flaws was what got him into messes, but never the less it was a habit he couldn’t kick. He expected people to let him down, his view on people was not a flattering one and Lex was simply doing what people did. It wasn’t really her fault anyway, she was human and Graham tended to adopt Machiavelli’s eloquent way summing up human nature.“Men are a sorry lot”. Not a very lovely outlook and not even a completely true one, but it was something Graham felt had been proven to him time and time again. Some people saw the world in black and white, but he only saw a lot of grey. It seemed that his whole life he did the opposite of what he was supposed to, people told him not to smoke – he smoked, granted it could have been ‘cause he had very little regard for his life. People told him not to drink, do drugs, or have sex – he did it all. He had very little real ambition, he didn’t expect to be able to do anything he was actually passionate about, but it was that passion that gave people who loved him hope that he’d stick around for a bit longer. To the people who cared about him he was something special, something talented and a prime source of mental stress. He didn’t try to be nor did he see himself in the same glorified light. Even if he was talented and special he didn’t see it. Leaning back he grabbed his beer bottle and took a swig from it before returning it to its place next to his bouncing legs. He lit a cigarette and began to drum his knees again with it burning snugly between his fingers. His eyes darted around the parking lot waiting for something, he wasn’t sure what he was waiting for, but he felt like he needed to wait for something to happen. He was obviously on something, but no one really cared, that was the benefit of working at a night club, everyone else was pretty much in the same boat. His bright blue eyes had become fixated on a beige car across the lot, why beige had tickled his fancy who knows, but a smile spread across his lips regardless. His hands were still rapidly tapping away though he’d become unaware of them.

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[lex]

Where some people saw the world in black and white, Lex saw the whole thing in vivid color. There wasn’t a yes or a no or an in between. Nothing ever was or wasn’t. It all depended on a number of things and there was always a different path to take with a different outcome. Life was a song and dance and nobody knew the words or the steps. Making it all up as she went along was kind of Lex’s thing. So when she got off work and had gone home to shower she was putting her prearranged meeting with Graham in the hands of fate. It wasn’t necessarily her fault that she’d fallen asleep in the bath and had only woken up once the water had turned ice cold and the pads of her fingers were beyond pruned. It was an accident, honestly, and it left Lex with only enough time to jump into her clothes before she charged out the door.

Skidding around the corner Lex knew that she was completely to blame for her lateness. Unlike usual she had actually planned to be on time meeting Graham. It seemed, however, that the universe was against her ever being punctual. Honestly she would shake her fist at fate and damn it to hell but it would just waste her time. Legs collided full force with a beige car parked in all the wrong spots, sending her forward enough to have her hands stop a fall against the hood. Maybe she was in the wrong spot and the car was completely fine and acceptable, wrongly accused by a scatterbrained girl who felt like she had been jogging for blocks. Because she had. “Fucking car,” she accused despite her decision that the car was just an innocent bystander.

“Fucking sidewalk.” It spilled out of her mouth before she even managed to stumble over the curb in her attempt to cross the street. Perhaps her newfound habit of cursing the inanimate objects around her was just bad luck bottled up as rage? Maybe not even rage. Just a strong, strong dislike. If she thought about it maybe this wasn’t even fate taking the piss. It could have just been the one or two drinks she’d had in the bath (and the bottles that always seemed to roll under the tub would likely agree) while she listened to old records. It was always presumed that there was more time before a thing than there ever actually was. A meeting, a friendly chat, an event - there was more time before the thing than during the thing and once the thing was over you didn’t have to worry about it anymore. So Lex usually took that for granted. And okay… she’d fallen asleep in the bathtub. Would Graham blame her for that? If he was still waiting for her she’d like to believe that, no, he wouldn’t. If he wasn’t, well, it was what she deserved wasn’t it?

The trip across the street was less dangerous once the curb was removed from Lex’s general area and within moments she spotted the boy she’d come after. See! He couldn’t blame her for being late because he was still there. It was all settled. A smile found it’s way to the girl’s face as she approached. Instead of choosing to sit on either side of Graham, Lex squatted down in front. Her left hand reached out to stop his drumming while the right carefully plucked the cigarette from between his fingers. Before even bothering to say anything she put it to her lips and dragged off the end. Lex was no common smoker but it wasn’t as if she’d never done so before. “This is a disgusting habit, Graham my man.” She leaned forward to push her lips to his forehead, her still wet hair falling from where she had tucked it behind her ears, before turning her whole body and kind of plopping down next to him, extending the cigarette back to it’s proper owner.

“I’m not sorry I’m late but I am late and it is what it is. Also it smells like sweat and ass out here. It’s kind of gross but I dig it.”

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[harry]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,325,true] Lex Monroe may not have been the most dependable and punctual girl, but she often caused a smile to form on Graham’s face. Which was not an action that genuinely happened often, he fake a smile here and there to avoid rudeness, but he didn’t often mean it. Though he was better off than a couple years ago he wasn’t better and still had a lingering feeling that he’d die young and by his own hand. As of now though he was in a chemically induced bliss and didn’t have a volatile thought in his head. People always said drugs were bad for him, but luckily he hadn’t encountered the physical pitfalls of them, instead he was just eternally broke. There was no question – another couple years of his life and he’d have chronic nose bleeds at the best. He didn’t care though, that was the benefit to a self-destructive personality and the anticipation of a short life. Graham rarely thought long term, long term relationships, long term plans, long term side effects – they were all lost on him. Maybe that was why he didn’t hate Lex for her flaky, tardy ways, he didn’t expect they had years of friendship to come. It wasn't that he didn’t like her, that wasn’t the point, the point was he didn’t think he’d be around long so it really didn’t matter if she was on time or not. In fact the less time they spent together the better for her, then she wouldn’t get too attached. Graham didn’t really think of himself as the type of person people got attached to though. He wasn't that special. A smile spread across his lips as she came into his field of vision as she quickly slammed into the car his eye brows shot up in surprise. He continued to watch her as she approached him without an ounce of embarrassment. That was something he liked about her, she was who she was, and she wouldn’t apologize or make excuses for her mistakes. She never seemed to possess the ability to be embarrassed of herself and that was something Graham had never lacked. He watched her without a word as she crouched down, stopped his busy hands and snatched his precious cigarette from his bony fingers, his eyes dancing with every one of her movements. An expression of protest washed over his face as the tobacco filled cancer stick left his fingers, but it was quickly replaced with a smirk. Allowing a scoff to escape him he nodded “yep, cancer and all that jazz” he spoke with a deadpan tone and a smile as she kissed his forehead. Graham would never want to die from cancer, it wasn’t a good way to go, but then again if he ever got it he wouldn’t be one of those brave souls that bothered with fighting it, he’d just leave before it could hurt him. Not because he was weak or cowardly, but simply because it would be an excuse, he didn’t think life was worth hurting and fighting for. Depression was such a bore, he wished that he could just get out of the funk and feel something that wasn’t so mundane. He didn’t even necessarily have to feel happy, he just wanted to feel something… else. See he wasn’t too ambitious, he could feel pain, mortification, anger, malice, envy anything but the misery that seemed to douse his mind. Feeling pain had been his personal choice for years, because it left its mark, after a cut came blood and only something alive bleeds, after slamming your hand in a drawer came the swelling bruise and of course there was always the pain of it all. Pain was magic when misery made you numb – in his opinion anyway, it wasn’t for everyone apparently. Graham always found it therapeutic, putting the inside on the outside, emotional pain wasn’t tangible, physical pain though, you could see that. Sometimes he wondered why he ever stopped. Snatching his cigarette back he feigned a glare at her for stealing it. He snickered at her comment “what do you think this is for?” he teased holding his cigarette up with a sneer “you should work on that you know, the lateness” he furrowed his brow at her without an ounce of seriousness “this is what I would imagine hell smells like” he sighed, Graham didn’t like his place of employment.

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[lex]

Without a second though, glance, or even a moment to consider that Graham was possibly only teasing about her needing to work on her lateness, she lifted a hand and effortlessly brought it across the back of his head. She failed to provide an explanation for she had once again busied herself with stealing his cigarette. If Graham was to die, so was she, at least for tonight and in this way. She would match him move for move if she had to. “I was too busy drowning to worry much about being late.“ Lex’s indecisiveness, her flakiness and her lateness was born out of fear. A deep rooted fear. A fear of the world and all things in it. It was most often passed off as wanting to not miss an opportunity, which wasn’t entirely false, but it was far more true that she was afraid of being something. Something to depend on, trust, or even to love. She couldn’t explain it, and mostly blamed it on the way her mother constantly told her the world was just a speck of dust in the wind of a bigger, wider, scarier world. Lex didn’t want to put her foot in one door and have anyone depend on her being there if she was going to be carried away on the wind one day.

Though her drowning wasn’t literal, Lex chose to play it up. Graham, in his state, surely wouldn’t take it as serious and if he did he was a fool and he deserved to be called one. “It’s all panic, really, drowning is. You’re gasping for air and reaching at nothing for help. You can drown in a teaspoon of water, you know. I always thought my mother had said teacups. Drowning in teacups. I can see a bit of whimsy in that. Makes me think of Alice. She drowns at the beginning, you know, when she meets the mouse.” Lex’s mind went from zero to sixty in only seconds. She was talking, going on and on. Every once and again she would stop, drag off Graham’s cigarette, flick the ashes and continue with no intention of giving it back. “But if people would stop panicking… it’s a lot like floating. That’s what I did. I was floating and I was in the bath and the time didn’t matter anymore.” The story wasn’t really so charming despite Lex’s wide eyes and animated expressions making it seem so. In reality she had been in the bath, yes, with her legs crossed and her ankles resting on the rim of her old tub, hair splayed out as it floated in the water. Half submerged and momentarily lost, Lex had only come to realize the time when she’d heard the clock in her sitting room chime and her cell phone wildly beeping from where it rested among the blankets in her bed. But Lex constantly imagined her whole life a bit like drowning. There but not, reaching at nothing, panicking and then letting go and just floating.

“So are we going to sit out here all night? Not that I mind.” Though it was next to gone, she finally relented and reached out towards Graham, the stub of his cigarette burning bright in the dark. There was maybe a drag or two left, maybe, if he made them short.

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[harry]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,325,true] Graham busied his jaw – clenching and unclenching it, tapping his teeth together, working it from side to side, anything he could do with it really. His eyes were wide as they continued to dart around the parking lot in over stimulation. He looked at her with his wide blue eyes and clenched jaw “I’m sorry” he said simply “are you alright?”. Even in his overactive stupor he was still aware of the fact that Lex liked to pad her stories with juicy content that didn’t actually happen, not that he wouldn’t be concerned if she had nearly drowned, but he figured she would have addressed it earlier if it were true. The sudden feeling of her finger brushing against his neck caused a chill to run down his spine. It was always funny to him how different someone else’s fingers on his skin felt to his own. He enjoyed that strange sensation though, he liked when people would run their fingers along his skin causing his hairs to stand up. Though, that wasn’t really a rare thing to enjoy. Moments later he felt his cigarette leave his fingers again, the culprit being Lex yet again. Funny thing was she didn’t even really smoke. He was a bad influence like everyone said. She’d be faced with very little protest however as he simply rested his head on her shoulder as he continued to work his jaw tirelessly. There was something strange about their relationship to him; he’d never had a girl that was a friend that he didn’t occasionally sleep with. It was a strange adjustment, he didn’t know what was appropriate and what wasn’t, course he couldn’t bring himself to quite care either – he wasn’t exactly known for being appropriate after all. Lex didn’t seem to mind though, he’d tell her pretty much anything, but what he was feeling. That wasn’t her fault though, he didn’t tell anyone how he felt, he let people see what they wanted to. He was okay with their relationship though, something new was always good, but he wouldn’t mind changing the platonic nature of it either – she was beautiful, he’d be crazy if he hadn’t at least thought about it. Those thoughts became more prevalent when he wasn’t looking forward to climbing into his cold bed alone – nights like tonight – so maybe he just wouldn’t go home tonight. “thanks Lex now all I can think about is the dangers of teacups” he feigned a pouty face as he looked up at her from her shoulder. He of course knew what she meant, but drowning in a teacup seemed quite possible to him at the moment. Though, he did drink tea fairly often so he could potentially pass out in a cup of it and drown. Okay, maybe it was unlikely, but the boy wasn’t in his right mind. In fact it was rather difficult to find Graham in his right mind recently, he did too many drugs, he knew that, but he felt they helped him feel a bit more normal. They allowed him to not feel guilty for hating each breath he took while others were fighting for just one more breath. He’d honestly give his life to someone who really wanted it if he could, but unfortunately that wasn’t possible and so he walked through his life waiting to feel that lust for life that never seemed to be bestowed on him. Blowing hair out of his eyes he shrugged “anywhere you wanna go?” he hadn’t planned on spending the entire night in the parking lot of the lighthouse, but he hadn’t thought of any wonderful ideas either. Finally she returned his cigarette… rather what was left of it, he grabbed the stub and took a drag of what was left before tossing it to the floor and dropping his converse covered foot on top of it. Then like a shot stood up and paced slightly, this was what he did while high, he’d seem fine for a couple moments and then he’d have burst of abrupt energy “we could bowl” he said throwing an idea out as he swayed in front of her with a small smirk on his lips.

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[lex]

Lex wasn’t bothered that Graham knew she was a bit of a liar. Lies made people more interesting. Well, at least as long as they were lying about things that didn’t matter. When it came to lying about the important things it became less interesting and more like poor judgment, by and for the one telling the untruths. “Quite alright, better for it really. Who gets to say they drowned and didn’t go belly up?” Like a fish, Lex thought. Life was one giant fishbowl and everyone was drowning or floating inside the bubbles. Lex could imagine the world like that - full of bubbles. Everyone surely had their own bubble, big or small. Some had popped and some had floated away to never be seen again. Graham didn’t have a bubble, not in Lex’s vision. He was lost outside, reaching up in an attempt to save himself. Lex’s bubble was big. Far, far too big for one girl. Somehow though, she had managed to reach outside of it and grab Graham’s hand. It was the pulling him inside part that was more difficult than holding on even though his fingers were slippery.

When he had rested his head on her shoulder Lex was the first to wrap her arm around him and rest her head on his. And she kept like that, close as could be, until he popped up and started pacing. To be honest, Lex liked being friends with Graham. He was interesting. He had problems, yes, but Lex could understand that. The greatest people overcame the worst issues. Graham just hadn’t yet had the time to figure out how to deal with his problems outside of his substance abuse. Yeah, Lex knew. She’d always known. She wasn’t sure if he’d ever outright told her about it and honestly she couldn’t remember but somehow, some way, she knew. It wasn’t necessarily something she liked but it wasn’t something she’d yet confronted him about. Though her opinion towards it wasn’t a quiet one. “Bowl?” Lex asked, rocking back and using her hands to hold up her body as she watched the boy pace in front of her. She tilted her head from side to side and then glanced back at the club. No, not while he was high. She didn’t want to lose him to the crowd or have him do more. Besides, bowling sounded like more fun anyway. Sticking both arms out in front of her for balance, Lex put her weight on her feet and finally stood. She reached out toward Graham, wiggling her fingers and willing him to take her hand.

“Okay, we can go bowling. But you also have to come to my place after so I can feed you. Chinese and a movie? You can crash on my couch.” She didn’t like leaving him to find his way back home when he was like this. If Lex could keep him in one spot for the whole night, or at least until he came way, way back down she would be satisfied. “Pretty please?”

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[harry]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,325,true] It was funny how Graham didn’t think anyone truly cared for him – a true product of his upbringing he seemed to have it engrained in his mind that no could love him for anything more than his physical virtues. Maybe that was why he was always so willing to violate others’. The reason it was so funny was simply Lex, she was here giving her time to his chemically altered mind, trying to keep anything from happening to him. She cared for him, George cared for him. Somehow he just couldn’t allow himself to trust them, especially Lex. As much as he loved her that love scared him, he was already at a place with her he hadn’t allowed a girl to get to in a long time – close. She had the uncanny ability to make him feel clean and free of damage. No one was perfect, there was no such thing as purity, but to him Lex was as close as it got. He’d never thought of her romantically, but he didn’t think of anyone that way and he liked her too much to “screw and lose” her, so this is where they were two lost souls swimming in the proverbial fish bowl. One wouldn’t think the pair of them would be a good fit. Lex thought in a whimsical way, people floating around in bubbles and Graham thought like in a very jaded almost Machiavellian way. Lex loved her “stories” and Graham was painfully, brutally honest. Yet, it worked for them, Lex brought out some of that lovable whimsy in Graham that he pretended he didn’t have and maybe he brought her back to reality just enough that she wouldn’t float off to the Chocolate Factory. As she spoke his feet ceased to carry him from one spot to another “Bowling?” he thought for a moment before speaking again “bowling sounds good” he said it as if he hadn’t realized it’d been his idea in the first place and in all honesty he hadn’t his mind was racing to fast to realize what was coming out of his mouth. “good idea Lex-a-million” he said as he grabbed his wiggling fingers and spun her around as if they were going to ballroom dance. He was one of the few young men that still knew how to waltz. Allowing his arm to rest around her shoulders he scrunched his face at her as she spoke, he couldn’t turn down a pretty please though “fine” he said hesitantly, it wasn’t the movie, nor sleeping on the couch, but the food that sparked his hesitation. Often Graham found food hard to stomach at moments like these, chewing seemed so tedious and time consuming, then he became very aware of the soggy ball of food in his mouth making him want to promptly regurgitate the contents of his stomach into the nearest toilet. Squeezing her shoulders he spoke teasingly “can’t turn down a pretty please, next time put a cherry on top and you’ll get a yes mam” he smiled widely at her, the only time he could smile and joke around without some malice was at times like this, without it he was too wiped out from with drawls to joke, he’d go days without it wanting nothing more than to feel normal. The only problem was he wasn’t normal and he would always realize this. Then living would become too much and he’d run back to the safe refuge of his chemicals. Yet, he refused to take anti-depressants stating they made him foggy, he knew the people around him wouldn’t approve, so he just didn’t tell them he’d stopped. Instead he self-medicated, he’d rather have his mind race and feel generally euphoric, than foggy and still depressed.

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