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Post by daniellacade on Nov 11, 2011 16:07:09 GMT 10
It had taken a lot of time for Daniella to buck up the courage to go visit Emily.
She hadn’t done so since about a month after the child’s death. She felt as though that made her a bad mother- if she could even call herself a mother. She probably couldn’t. But even so, in the back of her mind, that’s what she labeled herself. After all, she had carried around that baby for nine full months. Her diet changed, her lifestyle, all to accommodate the embryo growing inside of her. Things were purchased, decisions were made, tears were shed. It was things like that that made her feel like she was a mother… No matter how everything had turned out.
There hadn’t been a funeral service, but the couple had saved enough money up to buy a small grave plot in the local cemetery to bury their daughter. Dani had visited a few times up until the day she left Capeside, and then never looked back. Now that she was back, though… Well, she couldn’t stay away. She had managed to avoid every other place that could have brought up bad memories for her, but this was one thing she couldn’t do.
The cemetery was chilly and quiet that morning, but she had a busy day and wanted to get an early start- who knew how long she’d be there? As strong as she tried to be, in all honesty, there was a fair chance she’d be there for hours. She actually wanted to talk to her daughter. As silly as it sounded, Dani wanted to… Explain herself. Apologize for not coming around more often. She felt as though she had done Emily an injustice. This was probably a big reason as to why she was still so hung up on the past- a lack of closure.
So there she was, bundled up in a knee-length jacket, a beret atop her head, a bouquet of flowers in her hand, trekking her way to the grave she was far too familiar with.
Emily was buried amongst a other kids who had also died young in their lives, and therefore only needed a small grave. The headstone was small, but positioned on one of the outer edges, making it easy to find. Daniella didn’t need any help, though- she knew right where it was. Upon arriving, she stayed silent at first, setting the flowers down then sitting cross-legged in front of the plot. Where to even start?
She took a deep breath and pushed a lock of hair behind her ear, deciding to just… Dive right in. ”Hi, Emmy,” Dani began, forcing a small smile, ”It’s hard to believe that you’d be in school now. You’d be nine now, I think, and… Wow. I still miss you.” Pause- awkward chuckle. ”I don’t think I’ll ever stop. I mean… I only knew you for nine months, but I’ve never loved anyone or anything more. Except for maybe your Daddy. I hope he’s been coming around to visit you. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long… But I promise to come around more. It really helps to just sit and talk.”
She fell silent, then, and reached up to brush a stray tear from her eye. Yes… This was something she definitely needed to do more often.
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Post by harper on Nov 12, 2011 17:58:22 GMT 10
* [/font][/size] WAKING UP WITHOUT YOU[/color][/font] --- it doesn't feel right [/i] [/font][/color]  {[/size][/font] to sleep with only memories }[/color][/font] I T ' S . H A R D E R . E V E R Y . N I G H T .
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Matt killed the ignition and slipped the keys into his pocket. He sat staring blankly out the window for a few minutes, trying to calm his nerves. He was told that this would get easier, but it never did. He often wondered what she would look like. Would she have had his chocolate brown eyes? Her mother's red locks? She would have been nine now. He saw her everywhere. She was the happy school-girl prancing around the playground; the giggling child running after the ice-cream truck... damnit. He was doing it again. This was just what his sister had warned him not to do. He was only making this worse for himself. He knew he would never have the answers to these questions, yet he couldn't stop himself from wondering 'what-if'. It was like some sort of sick habit of his that he just couldn't break. Why did he do this to himself?
Matt flashed back to the day in the hospital when the doctor delivered the devastating news that their baby hadn't survived. They would never get to see the child that they had waited nine long months to meet. Matt tried to be strong for Danni, but apparently his efforts meant nothing in the end. He had lost them both that day, even if he didn't know it right away. The next four weeks were tough. They were able to scrape up enough money to buy a small headstone, just big enough to put her name. There wasn't a funeral. After all, what could you say about someone who never got the chance to live? Burying her was the hardest though. That's when it really hit him. He would never get to be a dad to his daughter. That thought still haunts Matt to this day. But the grief proved too much for Danni, and just like that she was gone. Matt had lost not only his child, but also the love of his life, all in a matter of weeks. His little family had denigrated right in front of his eyes and there was nothing he could do about it.
The next couple of years were torture. Matt just couldn't understand what he had done to deserve such punishment. He spent many a night just sitting outside the nursery door, unable to go inside. He didn't think he could take it. The perfectly painted pink walls, the crib that the couple had fought over, the toys that had been lovingly picked and arranged on the shelves. It was all just too much. He isolated himself from the world and began to drink himself into numbness. But of course, as soon as his step-sister heard word of his deteriorating state, she flew in from Cali and forced him out of his self-made prison. She was rough, but it was what Matt needed to bring him back down to earth. It took a while, but slowly things started to get a little better. He was learning to cope with his grief, but he still felt empty. Incomplete. Nothing he did could fill the void that Danni had left. She had taken a piece of him with her that day and he couldn't help but feel angry and confused. How could she just leave when they needed each other the most? He didn't understand.
But with the help of his step-sister, he learned to reach an acceptance and forgive her as best he could. He knew she probably had good reasoning, but he still couldn't help but feel hurt that she would just leave like that. He dedicated his time to his work and began to find a little bit of peace. He always found enough time to visit her though. Emily. He felt he had an obligation to her of sorts. At first he came once a week, but soon it dropped to once a month, then a couple of times a year. But he never stopped visiting. Sometimes he would talk, other times he would just sit there. He always brought fresh flowers and replaced the old ones. Every year on her birthday he brought a dozen roses and sometimes a balloon or a toy. No matter what, he was determined not to let her soul be forgotten...
Matt sighed and looked over to the passenger seat. Today he'd brought daisies, Danni's favorite. He hated that he remembered that. Reaching over, he picked up the tiny bundle and stepped out of the car. It was still early, about six o'clock. Capeside was expecting showers today and a light fog still hovered over the dewy ground. It gave the cemetery an eerie yet somehow serene look. Matt closed the car door quietly, almost afraid to disturb the calmness of the scene. He stuck a hand in his jacket pocket and began his trudge through the mass of headstones, heading towards the outside corner where the children's plots where. He knew this place by heart. But as he came closer to approaching, he looked up and froze in his tracks. There, sitting cross-legged in front of Emily's headstone was a woman. He considered turning around and heading back to the car, but curiosity got the best of him.
The closer he got, the more details he could pick up. As soon as he was close enough to see the color of her hair, he stopped again. No; it couldn't be. He felt his mouth go dry and his heart jump to this throat. Somehow he just knew it was her. His grip tighten on the flowers as stood frozen in place, unable to move. He could faintly pick up on her words from where he stood. But then she was quiet. Was she crying? He forced himself to move closer, his steps still shaky. He wasn't sure what he would say. What the hell could he say? He couldn't even think straight right now, let alone form a coherent sentence. But there was no turning back now. He stopped only a few feet away, not sure if she had heard him approach or not. "Danni?" he finally managed to form her name on his tongue. His voice sounded strange, like it didn't belong to him.
His heart was racing a million miles an hour as he stood there, dumbstruck. For years he had rehearsed what he would say if he ever saw her again, and now not a single thing would come to him except the obvious. "What are you doing here?"
[/blockquote][/blockquote] -- TAGGED: danni
-- WORDS: 1074
-- INSPIRATION: alone in this bed - framing hanley & lucy - skillet
-- NOTES: wow, sorry it's so long. I got a little carried away I guess xD hope it's okay though! I promise the next one won't be such a novel...
-- LYRICS: alone in this bed (capeside) - framing hanley
-- CREDIT: template by me. picture by bittersweetworld of caution 2.0
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Post by daniellacade on Nov 14, 2011 17:31:05 GMT 10
Daniella was beginning to feel… Well, she didn’t know. But she knew that it was helping, having the opportunity to sit down and talk to Emily for a bit. She hadn’t heard the approaching footsteps. In all actuality, she was fairly certain she was alone, which was the number one reason why she was allowing herself to back down and open up. She had never been the kind of person to wear her heart on her sleeve, with the exception of being around a few people.
Matthew had, at one time, been her savior. After it happened, he was the only person she allowed to see her cry. She pushed her family away- their disappointment in her getting pregnant in the first place had led her to believe that they wouldn’t be all too supportive. Whether she was right or not, she’d never know, but she hadn’t been in a very good place at that point and was in no mental state to try and think rationally. So he’d been her entire focus until she’d come to the conclusion that it just wasn’t a healthy way to live her life, and then… She left.
In all honesty, she wasn’t sure how she expected seeing Matt again would go. For years, she didn’t have to think about it. She did, of course, over and over, but… Honestly, she never really expected him to show up after ages and beg for her back. That was silly. She wasn’t all that important, to have someone pine after her, no matter how nice of a thought it was. However the possibility of seeing him again hadn’t felt real until she moved back to Capeside. Since then, numerous different scenarios had gone through her head, nonstop.
But no matter how much she had thought about it, she was definitely unprepared to hear his voice at that precise moment.
His voice startled her and she quickly reached up to wipe any tears off of her cheeks, simultaneously hoisting herself up to her feet. There were a lot of things Dani really wanted to do. She wanted to rush forward and hug him. She wanted to apologize for leaving. She wanted to tell him that she’d never stopped loving him. But instead, all she could do was stare at him, trying to analyze his words, tone, and facial expression for any hint of what he might be feeling. Obviously he wasn’t about to rush forward and tell her he loved her, or… Well, anything like that. She almost expected him to yell at her. Hell, he deserved to be mad- she wouldn’t even fight him on it if he were. Leaving had been kind of a shitty move on her part, no matter how necessary it was for her to do it.
But hey, she’d never told him that he couldn’t come with her. She just wasn’t going to ask him to uproot his entire life for her, either.
Sniffling, Daniella pocketed her hands in her jacket and shivered slightly as a gust of wind wrapped around her. She pressed her lips together, trying to figure out how to answer his question. Finally, she just decided to be as straight-forward as she possibly could be. ”Hi Matt,” she began lamely, managing a very small, uncomfortable smile before letting it fade, her gaze falling down to the ground. ”I, uhm. I moved back. Just a week or so ago. I’m sorry if I startled you. I guess I just… I didn’t know if I should contact you, or if you were even still here, or… If you even wanted to talk to me, so I… Sorry. Just wanted to, uh, visit our daughter.” Well, that was smooth.
Although the words had come out of her mouth, saying ‘our daughter’ just sounded so… Foreign. Dani exhaled softly and closed her eyes. Normally when she had said those words, it had been coupled with things like “will be perfect” and “I love her already.” And now… God.
This was certainly not the way she wanted her conversation with Matt to go. Clearly.
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Post by harper on Dec 4, 2011 9:34:59 GMT 10
* [/font][/size] WAKING UP WITHOUT YOU[/color][/font] --- it doesn't feel right [/i] [/font][/color] {[/size][/font] to sleep with only memories }[/color][/font] I T ' S . H A R D E R . E V E R Y . N I G H T .
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Matt knew seeing her again would be difficult, but he definitely wasn't prepared for this. Standing here so close to her, he felt a million old emotions wash over him all at once. Panic, anger, remorse, grief, love. It was like all those years of trying to get over everything and move on just came crashing back down on him like a ton of bricks. Damnit. Here they were, only two feet apart, and yet he felt a thousand miles away. He couldn't help but ask himself why things had played out they way they had. Dwelling in the past did him no good, he knew that; but that knowledge didn't stop him from wondering if there was something he could have done differently. If only he had been a little more supportive, a little stronger, maybe she wouldn't have left. Matt quickly shook the thought. No, he had already exhausted every 'what-if' in the book and he wasn't going down that road again. He'd finally learned to stop blaming himself, there was no reason to start back up now. In his mind, Danni was the one that needed to work things out, not him...
His eyes scanned her face, taking in all of the delicate features that up until now had only haunted his memories. The way her beautiful red locks framed her face, her chocolate brown eyes, her soft pink lips... Matt hadn't realized how much he would come to miss those little things. For a split second all he wanted to do was take her in his arms and tell her how much he had missed her. But something was holding him back... resentment? As much as he hated to admit it, he still hadn't forgiven her for leaving. Unfortunately, Matt was pretty good at holding grudges. After she left, he found it nearly impossible to move on. Danni was the only person in the entire world who could understand what he was going through, and she chose to run away instead. It hurt to know she could just leave like that. He knew loosing Emily was hard for her, but didn't she realize that it was hard for him too? They needed each other in order to move on; why couldn't she see that?
Matt's throat caught as she began to speak. God, he'd missed her voice... 'I, uhm. I moved back. Just a week or so ago. I’m sorry if I startled you. I guess I just… I didn’t know if I should contact you, or if you were even still here, or… If you even wanted to talk to me, so I… Sorry. Just wanted to, uh, visit our daughter.' Matt flinched. Our daughter. It had been so long since he had heard that phrase. His eyes softened a bit now. He could hear the pain in her voice, and he knew in his heart that he wasn't being fair, let alone making it any easier for her. After all, this wasn't all about him. But his mind was out-weighing his heart right now. As much as he wanted to pretend he had forgiven her, he knew he hadn't yet. He opened his mouth to speak, but snapped it closed again, trying to find the words he needed. He cleared his throat and turned his gaze to the sea of headstones surrounding them, deciding that the truth was probably the best way to go. After all, Danni was a pretty no nonsense person and she deserved to hear it straight.
"Danni, look, I don't want to play games with you, so I'm just going to tell you flat out." he brought his eyes back to her face as he continued, trying to sound as confident as he could. "Honestly, I don't know what to think right now. I wish I could tell you I'd moved on, that I'd forgiven you; but I can't." He shook his head before turning his glance back to the ground. "I just can't. After you left, I... I didn't expect to see you again. I guess I'm just - I'm just not ready for this..." he knew he sounded crazy. He wasn't making sense, and even as he said the words, he wished he could take them back. "I'm sorry, Danni. I - I think you should go." God, what was he saying? He kicked himself inside. He knew he would regret letting her walk away when there was so much more that needed to be said, but for some reason he couldn't get his mouth to work. What was wrong with him? He kept his eyes fixated on the ground, not daring to looking up and see her reaction. He knew he was being selfish, but his stubbornness wouldn't let him give in to the guilt he felt. This was killing him; why couldn't he just get over his stupid pride and say what he really needed to say?
-- TAGGED: danni
-- WORDS: 836
-- INSPIRATION: it's not over - secondhand serenade & broken - lifehouse
-- NOTES: ugh, not my best but I hope it's okay. sorry it took so long!
-- LYRICS: alone in this bed (capeside) - framing hanley
-- CREDIT: template by me. picture by bittersweetworld of caution 2.0
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