your grace is wasted, ruby

[alex]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,325,true] It’d been a while since he last saw Ruby and he was starting to feel like himself again. Apparently his method of out of sight out of mind actually worked. Okay, so maybe whenever he saw the back of a blondes head he got a little pang of fear and guilt, but that would go away. After all he’d been avoiding Capeside all-together. He’d spent the last couple of weeks surfing in California with his friends. The fun was over now though. His mother had decided to for once actually act like a mother and demand he come home. The only reason that actually worked was because she threatened to freeze his bank account if he didn’t. She probably just missed having someone around to give disapproving looks to. If Ruby was, well had been his biggest cheerleader, his mother was his biggest heckler. For the longest time he hated Ruby for always telling him he could amount to something and that he could accomplish his dreams. Now it was something he found himself missing, none of his other friends were quite good for him – not that he’d ever admit that. In all honesty he didn’t care if they were bad for him, Ruby was always the one who kept him grounded and his weeks in California was a bender at best. He’d let his hair grow out and he slept around trying to rediscover indiscriminate sex. Yes, he was beginning to get in touch with himself again for better or worse – likely for worse. He could feel his temper was on a short fuse lately, after all being in a new city getting plastered and sleeping around, does tend to bring out the asshole in Bradley and he got in plenty of fights. It was more like a chaotic brawl than anything that resembled a vacation. To Bradley though it was a good time, the boy loved beating the living shit out of people and that scared the hell out of him. Maybe he needed to see his uncle again; he needed Uncle John to bring him back to earth and theoretically beat the life into him again or at least the lust for it. That was what Brad had been missing for a long time now the lust for life. When he was still around Ruby she allowed him to forget his reckless side a bit, to forget that he didn’t care who got hurt. Because he did care if she got hurt and he never wanted to be the one who hurt her. She reminded him what it felt to care about someone. At this point Bradley was just a rock bottom waiting to be hit. Everyone close to him seemed to be watching with anticipation. His friends were waiting to see what the next victim of his rage would look like and they loved his violence as much as he did if not more. No, they weren’t good for him, but they were all he really ever had. His mother was never around and when she was she didn’t care if he was there or not, his father was awol, as were the bruises he left behind. Bradley still managed to keep himself comfortably bruised though. After growing up with bruises he felt like something was wrong without them now. He was sore and bruised from his bender, but he had the assurance he was alive which was always good, he needed to know that. Most would think that it would be lovely to be numb, but the growing numbness in Bradley made him wish for the pain of guilt or love. Deciding to come home by boat seemed to be the best way to go, it prolonged the inevitable, but that was his intention – staying away from home as long as possible. However he was back in Capeside now, with his back pack slung over his shoulder. Hoping that he wouldn’t end up bumping into Ruby in his first few minutes back, just because he felt over it now he was sure if he saw her again she’d manage to make him feel bad. She had a knack for that. He couldn’t decide whether walking home with a hangover was a very good option or if he should just get a cab or take a bus.

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[ruby]

It was ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. You don’t just tell a girl she is beautiful like it means something, if you don’t intend to follow through. What Brad had done to Ruby- that was worse. Not only had his words made her feel like the most important girl in the world, but so had his actions. Then he had just walked away. Rather literally. Gotten up, fed her some story and walked out of her bedroom. Leaving the taste of finality in the air. Leaving Ruby to deal with her feelings on her own. Who was she supposed to go to, when it was her best friend that was the problem? Ruby had never really been one to need a ton of people surrounding her, but the last few weeks, she had never felt so lonely in her life. At least she was a naturally quiet girl, so she could sit in silence with her own thoughts without people worrying too much that something was wrong with her. However, that wasn’t exactly good for her. Sometimes she wished she could be a more vibrant person. That she could go out, be the life of some party, forget about her troubles at least for a night. That had never been the sort of girl Ruby was though.

To be honest. She had gone to his house. A few days ago actually. She was fed up with the way things were going, and she wanted some answers. He owed her at least that much. He owed it to her to at least look her in the eye and do it like a man if he was going to break her heart. Bradley may not have thought he was that decent a man, but Ruby knew in her heart that he was, and she was not going to let him get away with his behaviour. He would face it, even if she had to force him. It had taken all the nerve she possessed (and even some she really didn’t) to march up to his front door and knock. Of course it had been his mother that had answered, and when the blonde had demanded to see the older woman’s son, she had received a funny look. He was away. California or something. I thought you would have known that, Bradley’s mother had said, surprised that the blonde seemed so clueless on the issue. In that moment, it had all crashed in again on Ruby. The feelings she had felt watching Brad walk out of her bedroom that night doubled. Her chest had tightened almost to the point where she couldn’t breath, and she excused herself as fast as possible. Needing to get out from under the woman’s gaze.

The only thing that seemed to distracted Ruby now was art. She’d drawn a few things in charcoal. Or at least, attempted to. She’d almost finish the drawing, decide it was worthless and screw it up in frustration. Then just sit there staring at the dark smudges on her hands. That was how she felt now. Tainted with dark smudges. Bradley had taken something from her that could never be restored, and he’d crumpled that up with just as much respect as she had shown her discarded at-works. She couldn’t be Ruby anymore, so who could she be? She could be a silent girl watching the world through the lens of a camera. No longer part-taking in life, merely documenting it. Documenting the loneliness and sadness of others, in the hopes it would perhaps help her to make sense of her own. It didn’t though. It just made Ruby feel bleak. There was beauty in the sadness of others, and she felt that was a strange thing to think. That there had to be something wrong with her.

With a heavy lens in one hand, and the body of the camera in another, Ruby stood on the Warf. Her body leaned against a pillar, careful that she didn’t slip off the edge of the wooden board-walk and into the water underneath. She had been taking some photos of an old man, sitting alone a few pillars away. His fishing pole cast idly in the water, waiting for something. There was something in the man’s face that had drawn Ruby in- A sadness, like something unfinished. Was he waiting for more than just fish? She had found herself wondering that. Longing to approach him and ask his story. Pictures had always meant more than words to Ruby though, so she placed the camera to her eye, ready to capture the man once more. Something got in her way though. Someone. She saw him through the Camera before anything else. His back-pack, then the profile of his face. Bradley. With shaking hands, she stepped away from the edge of the dock. Scared her legs would give way at any moment and she’d fall in. Her finger pressing down the flash as she did. Sending a spark of light from her camera. Ruby’s mouth went dry. He was bound to notice that. Oh god.. She.. She wasn’t sure she could face him. Any gumption she may have had was gone.. She couldn’t..

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[alex]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,325,true] Bradley was a mess, his hair was well slept on and he hadn’t shaved and a five o’ clock shadow had eclipsed all over his jaw line. His clothes were wrinkled, not that that was anything new for the boy. Often times he’d grab something from the floor doing the quick smell test. Most expected him to be different than your average boy for some reason, but in many ways he wasn’t. Along with Ruby, Brad had been ignoring his hobby, which is what he called his life’s dream – a hobby. He hadn’t picked up so much as a jar of liquid latex in months! That was big for him, usually if he wasn’t going to go balls out making prosthetics he at least twiddled with liquid latex or a Ben Nye bruise wheel, but not this time. No, he was running from everything now, everything he cared about, everything he was afraid of failing at. The coward. He knew he was too, he knew with all his reckless ways he wasn’t the least bit brave – only careless. A careless coward, that’s all he was, and all he ever would be and he knew it. At least he thought he did, he believed with all his raw power that, that’s all he was. He knew he wouldn’t come back a changed man; in fact he left to find who he used to be before Ruby went and filled his head with stupid thoughts. Thoughts like that he could be a good person, that he can succeed at something. She must have been on crack or something. No, she was simply naïve, poor Ruby would have gotten hurt at some point maybe it was best that she was hurt by someone who cared about her. Brad did care about her, but he didn’t want to, she confused him. She’d made him think that there was hope, her naivety rubbed off on him. The lust in his brain is what killed it – her naivety couldn’t be intact still. She’d know now that there were monsters in the world; they just didn’t live under the bed. They walked around pretending to be human, pretending to be good. Bradley had heard once that pride was the folly of men, but he’d never believed that to be true, love, that emotion that poets made a killing on. That was the folly of all people. Poets spoke about its purity and as if it was some mystical gift from God. Love, was a disease that ate you from the inside out – damning anyone who felt even the first pangs of it in their heart. There he was standing on the dock alone. His hand massaged the back of his neck trying to relax his over worked and hung over muscles. Binge drinking was obviously not good for the body, his screaming muscles and bones proved that quite well. His head pounded violently and his sun glasses couldn’t block out enough light for comfort. He thought he should probably get drunk again and deal with his hang over later, yet again he’s running from the inevitable. That the only way he could function it seemed, delaying and not facing issues, running all the time. Why did he arrive mid-day, he would have much rather made a night time appearance when it was dark and cozy. Most importantly he wouldn’t look strange drinking at night instead of mid-day when everyone would know he was just trying to nurse a hangover. A flash hit the side of his face and he looked around to see where it came from. His eyes fell on a familiar blonde and for a moment his brows furrowed behind his sunglasses. He waved at her casually and then walked up the Warf, when he reached her he spoke softly “did my mum tell you I was back?” his voice was colder than he would normally have it around her. He clutched the strap of his backpack trying not to notice how beautiful she was. The sun seemed to form a halo around her head, St. Ruby, yeah it fit. Could he get away with pretending nothing happened? Could they just pretend nothing ever happened? More importantly would St. Ruby allow him to pretend, would she take that much abuse? Brad could see it going both ways, but he imagined that this time he’d fucked up too much and she wasn’t going to let it go. After all he’d never fucked and ran on her before. That was special to this particular case. The worst part was, he couldn’t promise it wouldn’t happen again. Unless he never saw her again, that was the only guaranteed approached.

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[ruby]

Ruby had fainted. She had fainted and hit her head and now she was dreaming. That was the only explanation for what was happening. It couldn’t be real. It just.. Gosh. It was real though. She hadn’t falling and she hadn’t hit her head. This was real. Bradley was walking towards her. Why though? Ruby couldn’t understand that. To be perfectly honest, she had expected him to take one look at her and run. That was what he was good at right; running? Ruby winced slightly, that was her bitter-side coming through. Something that she hated about herself- and him for putting her in the position to feel bitter. It was such a twisted emotion, and the blonde was hating what it was doing to her. There was so many other important things that she could be thinking about. These feelings were such a waste. Or at least, that was what she was trying to tell herself. It was rather hard to think of Bradley as a waist.

The blonde could feel her heart-beat picking up. Why was he approaching her? The question kept repeating itself in her head. Redundant, because she just didn’t have an answer. It would have almost been better if he had of just walked away. That way, Ruby could just feel the sting of the situation in private. Maybe it made her a coward, but that was easier than this. Dealing with her stomach as it twisted in knots, and trying to calm her panicking mind. The worst part was that she had no idea what to expect. Was he going to want to talk about what had happened between them? Yell at her? Or was he going to make casual conversation like everything was fine? To be honest, she wouldn’t put the last option past him. It had been his way for so long now. Pull her in, push her away, then ask like nothing had happened. Worst of all she let it happen.

His cold tone was jarring to Ruby. She wasn’t used to that. Sure, she had heard that tone from him while he was addressing other people, but it was never how he spoke to her. The blonde bit the inside of her lip. His mother? Why would he think his mother would tell her? Okay, so maybe his mother was a big fan of Ruby, and the positive affect she could have on Bradley but that didn’t mean Ruby was a big fan of her. Mostly because she saw how upset the woman made her own son. Sure, the blonde was always polite to the woman, but she didn’t make it a habit to pair up with the woman against Bradley and she wasn’t going to start now. Even if Bradley probably deserved it. Besides, if his mother had of told her, Ruby wouldn’t have shown up knowing she wasn’t wanted. That just wasn’t her style.

Shaking her head, Ruby slipped her camera careful into the camera bag hanging from her shoulder. “No. I didn’t know you would be here..” She said softly, avoiding his gaze. “I wouldn’t do that to you..” She assured the young man. Taking a deep breath, she finally looked up into his face. Wow.. He looked.. horrible. Like he hadn’t slept in days and had been run over by a truck. Her heart-rate picked up, and she resisted the urge to reach out and stroke his face gently in a soothing action. That was one thing she knew would not go over well. “You’ve made it really clear you don’t want to see me, Bradley. So I wouldn’t just show up here and force you into seeing me. You know very well I’m not like that.” It was almost offensive that he would even suggest it. Though, she would give him that the coincidence was startling. Life had a way of doing that to you though.

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[alex]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,325,true] Bradley could feel his entire body beginning to burn as he looked at the blonde through his sunglasses. The sun was beating down on his back, but he knew the burn was coming from the inside – radiating from his core. He’d never seen himself as a cold hearted man, but if there was such thing as a block of ice around some someone’s heart, he could only believe that it would be in place to protect it from the burning feeling. It takes some time to melt ice, people say it as if it’s a bad thing, but why can’t they see it for what it was; protection. It was strange the way that his thoughts went during a hangover. He always seemed to tackle the philosophical mysteries of the world when he couldn’t think clearly. Maybe it was because philosophies are more times than not depressing and when one is nursing a hangover it isn’t the most uplifting feeling in the world. Alcohol was a depressant after all, but for some reason Brad never really felt depressed while drinking, it usually just made him act like a dick. It was after that he got especially depressed. Could he have gotten away with running? He was beginning to think that would have been the better option for them both. None of this made any sense to him and he could guess the feeling was likely mutual. What on earth had possessed him to walk right up to Ruby and speak to her? He must be high or something still. Her face seemed to tell him that he could have ran away and she wouldn’t have been as bothered by that as she was by his immediate presence. He couldn’t blame her he knew what he’d done. The worst part was that he kind of wished he didn’t look like the boat had dragged him along in the water the whole way home. Walking up the Warf looking like he just stepped out of GQ would have been better. Maybe he just wanted an even playing field, she was looking more gorgeous than ever and there he a general wreck. At least he brushed his teeth today, one should count the small blessings in situations such as this. He smiled as she spoke defensively “do that to me?” he repeated her words slightly puzzled. Did she honestly believe that he didn’t want her around, even though he couldn’t believe that she would think that. Yet a part of him didn’t want to see her and while the other part of him wanted to more than anything. Seeing her caused his heart to sink and hearing her voice made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He both hated and loved the way she made him change. If it was possible she made his body temperature change with a simple look or a flash of her smile. As much as he would never admit it this was the closest he’d ever come to loving someone and as much as he wanted to tell her, he knew if he did he’d make her miserable. Because even if he loved her and even if he loved her the best he could he knew it wouldn’t be enough. It’d be half in not a quarter of what someone else could give her. Bradley had always been confident, but his own human nature was where he lacked it. He couldn’t believe in himself if he tried. No, he was set on believing that he was sub-human and always would be. Shaking his head as she spoke “don’t get defensive girly, I don’t not want to see you” he said as if she’d made some wild assumption. A small smile spread across his lips as he pulled her into a hug and squeezed her gently in his arms. “it’s good to see you” he whispered. A bold move indeed, a bold and potentially dangerous move, but in all honesty it was the best feeling to have Ruby in his arms. The repercussions of his actions were not on his mind as he rested his chin on her head. Though at the same time he knew he needed to let go over her before it got weird – weirder than it already was anyway. So he allowed her to slip from his arms. She’d been kind to his sensitive years, speaking quietly. Though she’d always been somewhat soft spoken, Bradley decided to pretend she was doing it for his benefit.

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[ruby]

Don’t get defensive girly, I don’t not want to see you. The words repeated in Ruby’s mind. I don’t not want to see you. He wanted to see her? Ruby bit her lip. Trying to make sense of the words he had just spoken. After everything that had happened with them.. How he was acting towards her.. Well Ruby had every right to assume he didn’t want to see her, right? That was what any normal person would have assumed when they found out he had run off to California right? God. She was getting so confused. Then, what did she expect from Bradley? He was the king of mixed messages. At least when it came to Ruby. Everyone else seemed to get his messages loud and clear. Perhaps Ruby was just slow, or she didn’t know him as well as she thought? I mean, if she was the common factor in not understanding what his actions meant..

She had been about to open her mouth and comment on him wanting to see her, but something stopped her. Arms around her body, pulling her in for a hug. The same strong arms squeezing her tightly. God. She had missed this feeling more than she could ever express with words. Her breathing hitched, and Ruby felt her heart race in her chest. Green eyes starting to sting a little. No. No no no. She wasn’t going to cry. That just, wasn’t an option. Still in his arms, the female nestled her face into her favourite spot on his shoulder. Despite the recent ice between them, it felt warmer than ever. Like that was exactly where she belonged. She did belong there, Ruby decided. Bradley might of been running scared, and he might have messed it all up, but being in his arms felt way too good for it not to be right.

Still with her face pressed into him, Ruby smiled softly at his words. He felt it- she knew he did! And that right there was proof. Snuggling further, she took a deeper breath in. “It’s good to see you too.” Sure, when she had first set eyes on him, her emotions had been all over the place. However, standing there in his arms- it was good to see him. The moment couldn’t last though, she knew that, and all too soon, Bradley was pulling away. Reluctantly, she pulled away too. Chewing the inside of her lip as she looked up into his face. There was probably tears in her eyes, but that didn’t matter. As long as they didn’t fall. There was a fine line between getting a little teary and just out and out crying. She wasn’t sure she wanted to cry right then, because if she started she may not stop, and she’d have to explain why by telling him all her twisted feelings.

Taking a deep breath, Ruby reached up in a bold move. He had hugged her, so she was taking that to mean that touching wasn’t off-limits. If it was.. Well he’d just have to stop her wouldn’t he? Placing a soft hand on the side of his face, she stroked his cheek. Rising up on her tip-toes to lean into him. Her lips pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek. Close to the corner of his lips. “Despite everything..” She murmured gently. Lips still close to his cheek. “I missed you, so much.” It was true, and he needed to know it. That even after the way he had just left her that night, and how upset she had been, she still missed him. It wouldn’t matter what he did to her. Ruby would always miss him. Regardless of if she wanted to or not, Bradley was a part of her. It probably wasn’t healthy, but that was just the way it was.

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[alex]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,325,true] The boy was an epic contradiction indeed. He preached that love was only a made up thing until his face went blue, but then wondered to himself if what he was feeling for Ruby could be love. Then that contradiction would scare him and he’d run for the hills the next chance he got. Funny how he could be so bold, brave and reckless in almost every aspect of life, yet, so cowardly when it came to this particular subject – feelings. He was no white knight and the true fact of the matter was he needed to realize the fairytale white knight didn’t exist and no girl was going to get a perfect prince charming, no matter how much she deserved one. Not even Ruby. He’d known all his life the fairytales were just stories, he saw firsthand there were no princes that would save the princesses and yet when he met Ruby he decided, if someone like her could exist, a white knight must too. The world wouldn’t be that cruel to such a sweet being. Another contradiction of course because Bradley believed that the world eats people like Ruby for breakfast or a simple snack even. He’d hurt her, but he wanted to forget that ever happened and by the way she wasn’t squirming in his arms trying to find a way to push him away, he had a small amount of hope that she would want to do the same. Though, no one would guess it and the boy wouldn’t admit it, but often times he could have a very idyllic view of the world, in his mind forgetting all about that night and never talking about it again was quite possible. They could still be friends if they both never thought about it again. He pretended the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind, he pretended that she didn’t still send shivers up his spine when she nuzzled her face into his shoulder. You know what they say, if you lie to yourself long enough, you forget your lying. That is exactly what Brad intended to do. When he was a little boy – when he and his mother still had affection for each other she used to read to Bradley. It was always the old classics, mostly the ones written by the great female writers of that time. She said that she did it to teach him how to talk to women the way he should and to emerge him in the greatest works that women had to offer would allow him to have an effortless respect for them and their abilities. Bradley really never minded it and actually enjoyed them as a child. Ruby always reminded him of a line in Jane Eyre. Mister Rochester said to Jane “I knew you would do me good in some way, at some time; - I saw it in your eyes when I first beheld you: their expression and smile did not - did not strike delight to my very inmost heart so for nothing”. Somehow Bradley always related to Mister Rochester and his brooding ways and self-professed withered soul, even when he was just a starry eyed child. However he wasn’t a starry eyed boy and no longer believed – as much as if felt possible – that a wonderful person could reintegrate a withered soul and save a broken man. As much as felt Ruby could do so, no one could save him, but himself and currently he was not on speaking terms with himself. His eyes closed at the gentle torture of her kissing his cheek and a whisper caused his heart to stop. He pulled away from her as his eyes flicked open to meet he’s with a subtle malice, his jaw clenched tightly by reflex. Why did she have to bring it up? Why’d she have to ruin it? She reminded him full force of what he’d done. The guilt that he’d tried so hard to leave behind on the beaches of California came flooding back into his mind. What made it worse, she was forgiving him. With a cold tone he turned away from her “I should go… get home”. Only he really meant I need a drink, something to get his mind off his own guilt and self-hatred. There was something wrong with him, something had always been wrong with Bradley.

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[ruby]

She should have expected it. The sudden ice in his demeanour. It was always the way. If she got too close to him, he would freeze over. It was always how it was between them. Why was she not used to it by now? Maybe it wasn’t that she wasn’t used to it so much as she kept hoping for something else. She didn’t understand it. Why was she so optimistic when it came to Bradley? She should just write him off as a jerk. That’s what he deserved. That’s what all her friends kept telling her she needed to do. So why couldn’t she? Bradley had a pull over her. He didn’t do it on purpose, and Ruby wasn’t even sure if he realised the power he possessed but it was there. Stronger than anything she had ever felt before in her life. Compelling her to keep searching for the good she knew was inside him. She knew he was a good person. She knew it, she just had to get him to let down the walls long enough for him to see it.

It was harder now though. Harder that her feelings were well and truly involved. Of course they always had been involved. Now though, things were different. How could they not be? When you.. give a certain part of yourself to someone, a really important part of yourself.. Well it was impossible not to attach yourself emotionally to that person. Well, she had already been attached to him, and now she was just falling in deeper than she ever thought she would. She wasn’t sure she could completely turn away from Bradley even if she tried. It hurt too much. Not being around him. Like a part of her was missing. When he was around though. Well that hurt too. God, she couldn’t win could she? Either she was just going to get hurt. The worst part was it was basically Bradley’s fault and she couldn’t even bring herself to hate him because of it. Love made you a fool.

Stepping backwards, Ruby put some distance between herself and Bradley. Space. On the one hand, it was probably a good thing for them to have. Put a bit of distance between them and allow Ruby some breathing room. In theory, yes. However that wasn’t working in practice. Distance wasn’t exactly making the heart grow fonder, just twisting her insides up. There was too much space between them. Space that Bradley was always putting there. Did the space affect him the same way? Ruby bit the inside of her lip, looking up at him. She honestly wasn’t sure that it did affect him. It wasn’t that she thought he was heartless. It was just.. He wouldn’t admit that he needed her as much as she needed him. That he felt for her as much as she felt for him. He did though. She saw it in his eyes, in those rare moments he let the walls down. She’d felt it the that night they were together, in the way he had touched her.. Even his actions now couldn’t take that back.

Folding her arms across her chest, Ruby looked down. Letting out a low sigh, she shrugged. “I guess.. You’re good at that right..” It wasn’t said with bitterness. More a quiet sadness. It was true, this was what he was good at, and the fact that he was so quick to resort to that hurt Ruby more than she liked to think about. She didn’t want him to leave though. Not right now. She just, needed to be around him. Swallowing, she looked up. Eyes wide and pleading. “Bradley... Please..” She paused, debating if she should reach out and touch him. Her palm was itchy. She wasn’t sure she could not. Reaching out, she closed her fingers around his wrist. Stopping him from moving. “Don’t. Not right away..” She wasn’t sure what she was suggesting they do. She just didn’t want to see him walk away yet. She just.. She couldn’t.

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[alex]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,325,true] There was a lot in Bradley’s life that Ruby didn’t know about. He’d always avoided the subject of his father like it was a deadly disease that couldn’t be cured. His mother… well Ruby knew about his mother, how she avoided her son with all her breathing soul. What she didn’t seem to understand was that his mother – no matter how much of a maternal fail it was on her part to avoid him – had her reasons. After sitting back and watching as her husband broke her sons bones she was afraid he’d broken something more in Bradley. She was afraid he was just like his father, violent and immoral. Unfortunately with his past record Bradley hadn’t proven her wrong. Mostly she carried the guilt, thinking she could have changed her sons persona, by leaving her husband and not waiting ‘til he left her. Bradley scared her, she didn’t punish him in person, she never confronted him, because in all honesty she was terrified of him and she worried that he knew and that he blamed her for who he was. What he’d become… and what was that exactly? An emotionally deficient, cowardly bully, who doesn’t deserve any happiness? Pretty much – in his mind anyway. Things were odd in the Strachan family, most people knew that. They’d always pity Brad’s mother until they realized she was the one that raised the abomination that just derailed their child’s jaw. It was slightly entertaining for him to watch their faces and demeanor change towards her. Maybe there was some anger there, but not so much for the reasons she believed, it was actually more for the fact that she abandoned him more or less. Physiologically that was probably why he couldn’t trust anyone with his heart – your mother is the one who’s supposed to teach a boy what loves supposed to be like, what affection is. They’re supposed to write their love map. Bradley’s mother didn’t or if she did, she taught him to run from things that you supposedly love. If you love a girl avoid her, if you love a career quit or else you’ll lose it. She taught him it was better to not try than to try and fail at things… especially love. She couldn’t have intended to do that to him, but she did. Well if physiologist theories are correct anyway. Wouldn’t that be nice to be able to blame everything on his mother and not have to take any responsibility for any of his less than desirable qualities. Ruby always had the tendency to remind him of those less than stellar things, in his life and personality. At the same time though she made things a lot better too, she made him feel slight pangs of hope and then he knew it was time to run again. Unfortunately last time he hadn’t run quick enough, no, he’d stayed frozen in hope and what was possible that he had time to give in and crumble under Ruby’s kiss and optimism. Soon as it had been done he knew he’d fuck up. He wasn’t boyfriend material, hell, he wasn’t even friend material. He’d proved that many times over to the blonde, but yet here she was, she wasn’t yelling, she wasn’t crying, in fact she didn’t even seem all that angry. Ruby only seemed to be a bit awkward and that was a lot more than he deserved. No, she should be yelling and screaming at the top of her lungs, but here she was, she’d hugged him back, she’d told him she missed him. He couldn’t help but wonder why she would. Then it came – them fighting words – he was good at running and he knew that, but even though she hadn’t said it as if she intended it to burn, it did and he couldn’t help but feel himself scrunch his face as he scoffed. His blood simmered, he could always count on Ruby to not mention his failures in life and tell him what he was good at. Pointing out the good in him seemed to be Ruby’s favorite pastime and she never made it seem difficult even if Brad was sure she had to think long and hard to find them. Though, she’d acknowledged pretty much his biggest flaw. Running and his temper, those were what he thought most would hate about him. Course he never acknowledge his lack of happiness as one of them, that was just the status quo. He couldn’t remember being happy, he must have been, but he couldn’t remember. Then he felt her hand close around his wrist, he jerked, but not enough to snatch his wrist back. In that moment he finally figured out what Ruby’s problem was – she was a glutton for punishment, she had to be asking him to stay with her. Masochist. Maybe he was a sadist and they went together like peanut butter and jelly. It would take a sadist to stay wouldn’t it? Wrapping his arm around her shoulders he kissed the side of her head, letting her know he’d stay… for a while anyway. He wasn’t staying to hurt her, but because he didn’t want to hurt her again so soon. “well I’m not just going to stand here, so what now” he said in a teasing tone and a hung-over drawl.

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[ruby]

Relief washed over Ruby when he didn’t pull away from her. She knew she had been treading dangerous waters with her actions considering everything that had happened. Bradley needed to be treated as a flight risk until she was sure he wasn’t going to flee again. If she got too close, or pushed too hard.. Well that was likely to happen. Though by the same note, if she didn’t at least nudge him a little, he was likely to slip through her fingers. It was such a delicate balance- keeping him close yet making sure she wasn’t holding too tight. Ruby often wondered why it had to be so hard for them. Then it had always felt like she was constantly fighting to keep him in her life. They had brief flashes of easy, but it never really lasted for very long before she was fighting to keep him again, fighting to make him accept how she felt.

She was so tired of fighting for him though. Her feelings had not changed, in fast there was a strong chance they were indeed stronger than they had been before she had slept with him. It wasn’t her feelings that were the problem though. It was how often she found herself curled up in the window seat of her bedroom, eyes spilling with tears. Her heart twisted and broken by something Bradley had done, or hadn’t done as they case may be. It was just so draining, and it wasn’t surprising she was fast reaching a place where she couldn’t keep fighting for him- Couldn’t keep fighting with him. If ignoring what had happened meant she didn’t have to fight so hard to keep him, then she was willing to at least try that approach. As much as it didn’t sit well with her, just ignoring it. She wasn’t sure what else she could do though.

As his arm moved around her, Ruby all but melted into his one armed embrace. A smile tugging at her lips. The young woman had always loved being hugged by Bradley. Even when it was just like this- his arm over her shoulder. Tilting her head up to smile at Bradley, she shivered pleasantly at the kiss he had placed to the side of her head. All the pain she had felt the last few weeks seemed to drift away now that she was with him, and they weren’t fighting, and he was even hugging her. Considering she had been petrified that she would never see the sandy haired young man again after he had walked out on her that night. Ruby felt some of her usual serene personality filling the emptiness that had been inside her once more. This was how it was supposed to be. Why couldn’t Bradley see it? Being together for them was an inevitability.

Nodding at his words, agreeing that they couldn’t just stand there all afternoon. Looking around, the young woman searched for something they could do. Seeing a small little ice-cream parlour along the board-walk, Ruby felt herself grin before she turned back to Bradley. “We could go get some ice-cream?” She offered.

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[alex]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,325,true] If Ruby was tired of constantly fighting for them, he was tired of her constantly fighting for them. She just couldn’t grasp that he was no good for her and that they’d never be together. At least in his mind there was no future for them, not unless he changed and he had no hope of him ever changing. However he couldn’t bring himself to make sure she never wanted him in her life again, he could hurt her worse than he did, although what he’d already done was terrible, he knew he could do worse. He’d never hit her, he’d never go that far. Bradley could show her the monster he was by beating the bloody light out of Sam or someone close to her for absolutely no reason, but still he couldn’t bring himself to that, he couldn’t make her hate him because he wanted to be able to love her, he wanted to change. Though, he knew he never would, at least he never believed he would. He was his father’s son, he’d end up married to some woman he didn’t love and he’d beat the shit out of his son until he finally just left without a word and disappeared doing who knows what. This was Bradley’s great future as far as he was concerned, it’s not what he wanted, but it was who he was convinced he was. Growing up most of your life hating yourself for who you were and would become was not a healthy upbringing. Of course his mother never really helped his thought process much by avoiding him and spending time with him only long enough to scold him for doing something wrong. Ruby and John were really his only positive reinforcements, they were the only people in his life that told him he could be something more than he thought, they were the only people that told him reaching for something seemingly unattainable was not stupid or unadvisable. They never told him not to get his hopes up in fact they told him the very opposite. Things were jumbled when it came to Bradley, he loved people, places and things, but he always felt he shouldn’t. He was a jumbled mess of a contradiction and he couldn’t seem to get everything sorted. He’s love someone and hate them for making him love them all at the same time. He pushed things away and yet didn’t want them to go. Needless to say he was a confused young man who’d never been taught how to respond to affection let alone love. Though, he was not the kind of boy who was in touch with his emotions and he couldn’t put his finger on why he pushed away everything he loved. Here he was sending Ruby all sorts or mixed signals jumbling her thoughts just as much as his own. It wasn’t like he wanted to give Ruby hot and cold signals, this whole situation was new for him, wanting to be something other than a one night stand to someone was new for him, wanting a girlfriend he wouldn’t hate was new. Most of all feeling like her needed someone was the newest and worst feeling he could have. Right now, he loved the feeling of having her in his arms, Ruby was like crack for Bradley and touching her made him want to be someone else, it made him fell like someone else. He knew she must feel the way he pushed and pulled on her heart strings, but she was like an addiction, he needed her, but didn’t think she was good for him, sometimes he wondered if he was Ruby’s addiction as well, maybe that’s why she fought for him all the time. Suggesting ice cream was so quintessentially Ruby he couldn’t help but laugh a little “ice cream sounds good”, it was pleasant enough to throw up if need be. Smiling at the blonde standing next to him, he wondered why he couldn’t be the guy he wanted to be for her, she always made him think crazily.

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[ruby]

Bradley was a drug to Ruby. She was becoming painfully aware of that. He was an addiction, and it seemed like it wouldn’t matter how bad he was for her, or how much he hurt her, Ruby was constantly drawn back to him. Even if she wasn’t actively fighting for him, she still craved him, she still wanted him around. Sometimes it was like she was closing the door on Bradley only to open her window and invite the boy in that way. When what she really needed to be doing was shutting him out entirely. That, however, was something that Ruby didn’t think was possible. She’d tried. She’d seriously considered it. Deleted his number from her phone after that night. It was no use though. She knew his number by heart and she couldn’t bring herself to delete all of his text messages. She just couldn’t bring herself to cut him out completely.

He was.. How could she even begin to describe what Bradley was for her? Without him, Ruby felt lost. Half of herself. Even while he was hurting her, at least the pain was real. Not that nothing else was real for Ruby.. just.. not quite as real as it was when Bradley was involved. Was that what love did to a person? Made it so your whole world was anchored to that one person and that without them everything was just a little bit out of place? Ruby wasn’t good at relying on other people. She’d learnt that while you could open up to people and you didn’t have to deal alone, ultimately you had to make sure you were strong enough alone, because nothing was constant. She lived every day just waiting for that to be proven to her, scared for her family’s demise. Scared to lose her sister. So why was it that she struggled to feel strong without Bradley? When before him, she had been one of the strongest in her family?

Would trying to work it out change anything though? Would she need him any less? Ruby just didn’t think so, so instead of even attempting to figure it all out right then, she simply smiled up at him as he agreed to her suggestion. Other girls would have probably chosen something a little less.. innocently sweet, but Ruby wasn’t other girls, and she was glad that Bradley seemed to accept that about her. Besides, she really just wanted things to be simple between them. At least for the moment. She wanted to just enjoy his company and not have to deal with the tension between them and well, what was simpler than ice-cream? Nothing, in Ruby’s world. Besides, she could definitely do with the sugar hit. As much as she was pretending to be light and easy with him, her emotions were still running high. How could they not be?

Biting her lip, she considered if she should pull away from him, or allow them to walk together. Both options really had good and bad sides, so instead of making any sort of a choice, Ruby moved slowly towards their destination. Allowing Bradley to decide if he’d keep up with her, or put some distance between them. The blonde stayed quiet for a moment. Which wasn’t odd, considering she was so quiet. Still though, it felt more awkward than it usually did, so she turned to let her gaze scan his features. Forcing herself to speak. “Did you have fun.. Where ever it was that you went?”

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[alex]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,325,true] When he first stepped off the boat and saw Ruby it seemed odd to him that she was there. Why, he wasn’t certain. Not only did the two have a sort of magnetic pull on each other, but Capeside was a very small town (in his eyes anyway). Maybe some thought it was fucking Hollywood, but Brad had seen Hollywood now and Capeside felt more like a fishbowl now than it ever had before. California was a whole other world compared to Massachusetts. A very dangerous world when it came to Bradley and his predisposition for exciting trouble. Never the less though, anything was better than Capeside. When it came to his opinion on the town, well, it wasn’t a good one, he often explained it as winner of the shit storm sweepstakes for places to live. He couldn’t understand why anyone would want to live there. In a place where you can’t escape your mistakes, a place that everywhere you turn you’ll see the last person you wanted to see. It’s a funny thing family, for some reason it doesn’t matter how much they hurt you, you’re still biologically inclined to love them. The person that Bradley really wanted to see when he came home after a long time of being away, was his mother. She was the one who forced his hand into coming home and she wasn’t even there to see him follow her orders. Instead the one person that without fail always managed to be there for him, even when nether of them wanted her to be, was there completely by accident. Ruby was there, Ruby was always there when he needed someone most and now was a good time to have her around, even if every ounce of his being was screaming that he didn’t want her beside him – something screamed louder that he did. Bradley did feel he needed her in his life and that feeling of needing someone so much scared him more than ending up in a monotonous dead end office job. As she began to walk he made sure to keep up with her, he squeezed her shoulders tightly to him almost as if he were sneaking another hug for a moment. He loosened his arms grip on her shoulders letting it just drape around them. While they were walking he realized something – something he always knew, but had never felt so clearly – he loved her, like really loved her. Not just some pretend “teenage love” that would go away in a couple weeks, but the clarity of that thought made his emotions both soar and plummet all at once. Happily he’d admitted it to himself and tragically he knew he could never tell her. The boy wanted to run now, he wanted to run hard and fast in any direction until he clouded that clear thought in his mind. His mind was always the one that had his back, it was his heart that made him stupid, but now his brain was betraying him as well. Taking her side. Squeezing her shoulders again he hoped it would soothe those feelings to bolt for the closest boat, he heard her speak. Ruby used her voice like a gift, she didn’t use it often, but when she did it was like she was speaking in solid gold. “California” he informed her, she knew he wanted to go there and do special effects for movies… well once upon a time he did, before he’d given up on all that was important to him. He shrugged in response to her question “I guess, it was… well it’s not very clear” he said truthfully he didn’t remember most of his trip, only waking up covered in bruises with a wickedly awful hang over. He didn’t want to tell Ruby he didn’t get close to the real reason he’d headed off to the particular destination of California. Family’s a funny thing and that was the last place he’d heard his father was, after everything, he wanted to see him, but there weren’t any leads. “surfed a lot” he said simply, that was probably the only thing he remembered fondly about his trip.

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[ruby]

Ruby let out a small sigh as she felt his arm squeeze around her. This was what she wanted, right? For things to go back to how they had been before it had all happened? She thought so. The ache in her heart just to have him around indicated so.. But.. This. It felt wrong. Forced almost. As much as she could try to walk beside him like everything was fine, things weren’t fine. Far from fine. Her stomach was twisting itself into a massive knot. Her skin tingled in a way that she couldn’t decide if it was enjoyable or making her feel sick. His body was normally so warm against hers but as they walked together it was growing colder against hers. Making Ruby kind of want to pull away. Being close to him wasn’t as comforting as it had been even a few minutes ago. In fact being alone seemed like the far better option.

She wasn’t listening to him talk. It was rude, she knew that. Considering she was the one that had asked him about his trip she really should have been listening. It was just that she was trying to work out how it was that her emotions could change so quickly. One moment she was all for pretending they were fine and get some ice-cream but now they were actually doing that she didn’t want to do that anymore. God. Was this what Bradley did to her? Have her so mixed up and confused that she had no idea what she wanted anymore? She hated this. Hated that she was allowing herself to be so messed around by just a guy. Though, part of her argued that she just didn’t have any other choice. She’d never asked for feelings like this, and she had tried to quell them. Nothing she did seemed to make a difference though.

Swallowing, she was vaguely aware that he had stopped talking. She’d have to respond now, but.. to what? What had he said? Ruby glanced up at Bradley. Taking in his features as she attempted to think of some sort of response. She didn’t really have one though. Giving a small shrug, she spoke. “That’s nice..” was the vague answer she chose to give him, before taking a step in front of Bradley to stop him from walking any further. With the same reckless gumption that had over-come her the night that this had all started, Ruby stared at him. Her eyes searching his face for something that would help her to work out what the hell was wrong with her emotions, and how she was supposed to deal with all of this. Was it best to just push away her anxious feelings and act like it was okay, or try to confront it?

Taking a deep breath, she shook her head and decided that the answer wasn’t just going to jump out at her, she needed to do something. Without really thinking things through, she closed the distance between them; ad pressed her lips to his in an intense kiss. However, she broke away just as fast as she had started. Her actions shocking her. “I...” She stuttered as she pulled abruptly away from him. Taking a few large steps backwards. “Sorry.. I shouldn’t have..” She kept backing away, mentally chastising herself. That was so stupid. It wasn’t going to help the situation at all if she kept doing things like that. Biting her tongue to stop herself from continuing to babble, she turned from him. Squeezing her eyes closed to stop herself from crying. She was an idiot. A big idiot. She needed to... to what? She had no idea.

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[alex]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=width,325,true] He couldn’t help but emotionally pull away from Ruby. She was the kind of girl who could wear her heart on her sleeve and she often did, she took risks without realizing it. Ruby took the risk of getting her heart broken with an ease that Bradley envied. Brad disliked a lot about himself, but his cowardice about love seemed to be what he hated most, he couldn’t understand why it scared him so much to let someone all the way in, but it did – it scared him to death. If he could trust anyone it should be Ruby right, but he knew she had the power to break his heart more than anyone. She could ruin him if she wanted, even without trying, without meaning to she could hurt him worse than his own mind had time and time again. He could come back from him breaking his own heart, but if Ruby did it, he wasn’t so sure. Giving someone that much power over him just wasn’t what he did. No, he ran. Bradley had known Ruby long enough to know the difference between her listening and not listening, but talking was comforting to him – if he kept talking he could control himself, he wouldn’t pull her into his arms and kiss her like he was itching to do. She had that horrible effect on him, she was irresistible and his body burned when it touched hers and felt like ice when she was away. His body chemistry couldn’t deny their connection, but he sure would. He couldn’t admit it, he couldn’t bear to say it and have her finally give up on him. Why did he think that saying he loved her would make her walk away? The worst was over, he felt a need for her in his life, without her there would be an un-fillable hole. Keeping her at arms-length was better than telling her sometimes he missed England so much it made his chest hurt, or that he had the same feeling toward his father. She wouldn’t understand that one, she didn’t know Brad’s father was violent or if she did he’d never told her, but she knew what he had told her, she knew he left when he was a kid, she knew he wasn’t much of a person. She couldn’t understand it, he didn’t even understand it. Though the simple fact of the matter was he wanted a reason, closure. Course he was unaware of this fact due to the fact that he was completely emotionally deficient Bradley couldn’t come to that conclusion. He was about to open his mouth to talk again after she gave him a throw away response. However, her stopping short in front of him caused him to stumble to a stop so that he didn’t smack into her tiny body. She wasn’t as tiny and fragile as she seemed, but Bradley was bigger than her and was essentially a mass of muscle tissue which running into would feel a lot like running into a brick wall. Feeling her lips touch his with an electric zap, he wondered how they got from going for ice cream to this in five seconds flat. This was wrong all wrong, they were supposed to go back to their sexually repressed friendship. Instead things were suddenly complicated and his feelings conflicted. On one hand he was disappointed that she’d pulled away and on another he was furious she’d kissed him in the first place. He knew it couldn’t happen, but he wanted to kiss her again. The next move was his, he could tell her it was alright, he could tell her he was ready to give them a try or he could admit he wasn’t. “Ruby” he said looking around for a moment before walking toward her “it’s okay” he said finally, he shook his head as he massaged his forehead, he tried to keep his voice calm and steady “you know why this can’t happen” maybe she didn’t, but he didn’t want to have to tell her that he wasn’t sure he could be her friend if they dated.

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